Yesterday I summited Mt Hood for the first time since my fall 5 years ago. It has been something I have wanted to do since my fall. Two weeks ago, on the anniversary of my fall, a group of friends and I attempted the summit but ended up turning around right before the final ascent due to low visibility. I wrote an update on my social media:
Well… 5 years ago this weekend I had a life changing accident. After summiting Mt Hood I fell hundreds of feet on the ski decent that probably should have taken my life. Today I had the privilege to climb again for the first Hood summit attempt since the accident. After climbing to Devils Kitchen (just above 10,000 ft) the decision was made to turn back due to white out conditions on the final ascent. While definitely a bit disappointing I feel pretty proud that we ended up erring on the side of safety. Sometimes the most successful decisions are not necessarily what they may seem. So thankful for these group of guys who made the trek with me and had the wherewithall to be responsible.
The line “Sometimes the most successful decisions are not necessarily what they may seem” has been stuck in my head since I wrote it. I fully believe this and I think I have been trying to convince myself of this for the past decade. I’ve be been doing a lot of writing that I’m hoping to compile into book format soon around my accident and failure and what true success actually looks like.
As I was down climbing the top pitch (the exact route five years ago I fell down) I was talking with one of my climbing buddies and said, “I am very grateful that I fell.” He most certainly was a little astonished and asked for some clarification. I explained that I would of course never choose to do it over again. But on the other side I can look back on everything I have learned in the wake of my fall and be filled with gratitude. The Josh of 2023 is very different than the Josh of 2018. This in large part due to the brokenness I experienced physically, emotionally, and spiritually around and in the aftermath of my fall. I have learned so much about what it means to be content and grateful for what I have rather than what I have yet to achieve. I fear there has been many times throughout my life I have missed out on opportunities and experiences right in front of me because I have been too focused on the bigger dreams I could achieve.
While on the summit I talked with another climber who had reached the summit for the first time. They told me it was their fifth attempt and for various reasons they ended up turning around each time prior. With my recent experience I have become increasingly aware of the fact that the mountain is not something to mess around with and it can dictate who gets to make it to the top and who does not. Conditions can turn quickly and become incredibly unpredictable with very little warning. When climbing we ultimately place ourselves at the mercy of the mountain. Learning to listen and turn back when necessary can be the difference between life and death.
While I still completely believe success is not a great metric and there is better language we could use around what goals are worth achieving, I will most certainly admit that it does feel pretty awesome to have reached the summit again. However, it feels more like a gift rather than an accomplishment. The mountain smiled on us this weekend and provided nearly perfect conditions. While on the top we could see for hundreds of miles in all directions. However, as we got back to our car and looked back up toward the mountain the summit had become engulfed in a cloud and the perfect window had closed back up. It was a gift that I am incredibly grateful for and am proud to receive.
My neighbor asked me this morning, “So, did you get it out of your system?” Well, climbing again has most certainly brought a lot of closure and I have learned to listen to the mountain more. However, I still fully intend to keep climbing. It definitely is not something I feel I need or a quest I need to conquer but it most certainly is a gift and is an experience I look forward to being able to safely share with others for many more years to come.